◘ ephemeral abstract ◘

It's been a while since I've updated this little writing nook of mine. I wanted to share an exciting update—I've recently embarked on an enthralling adventure by moving from the vibrant city of Singapore to the enchanting streets of Copenhagen in June 2023. It's been a whirlwind of emotions, nostalgia, and heartwarming excitement as I embrace this new chapter of my life.  As the plane touched down at Copenhagen's Kastrup Airport, I couldn't help but feel a mix of nostalgia for the place I called home for so long and a bubbling excitement for the unknown that awaited me. The warmth of Singapore's tropical breeze had been replaced with the crisp air of Denmark, a hint of adventure lingering with every breath. The moment I stepped out of the airport, I was greeted by a world that seemed to blend modernity with a fairy tale charm. Copenhagen's architecture radiated a timeless elegance, its cobblestone streets whispering stories of the past. As I settled into...

 

Paano ka nga ba maalala? Kapag swerte ka, tatlong beses sa isang taon.  Kung okay ka lang, isang beses. 1 in 365 or 3 in 365. Depende kung paano ka nakilala, minahal o nabuhay. Mga bagay na tumatakbo sa isip ko sa araw na ito.  Una. Birthday mo. Araw kung kailan ka nabuhay sa mundo. Marami ang makakaalala lalo na kung naka-set ito sa Facebook profile mo. Ipapaalala ito sa notification bar ng mga kapamilya, kaibigan, followers, acquaintances at mga estranghero na "huy, birthday nya, batiin mo!" Eto ang buhay sa technology enabled na mundo, kahit sino makakaalala ng birthday mo. Pangalawa. November 1. Syempre, sa lahat ng mga araw, eto siguro yung sure win, lahat maalala ka, syempre, araw mo 'to eh. Pinakaantay ng lahat, dadalaw, iinom, magre-reunion. This is your day, the day that everyone gathers to remember you and everyone else who needs to be remembered. Ito yung araw na nakalaan para sayo, pinaghahandaan ka, inaalala. Iba nung mga oras na andyan ka ...

It's been a while; been a while since I had a courage to accept that I have this vulnerability in me that not everyone will understand. I woke up this morning, and I felt like I didn't want to wake anymore. It's one of those rare days that I contemplate my existence. I asked myself, "If I die today, would anyone notice?" ... totally not. No one would notice I'm gone. I realized that I am this speck of dust in this universe that no one really cares about. My existence doesn't add anything to anyone, well except maybe my parents. I realized that if I'm gone, people would only realize it because it's been a while, but they won't realize it because they care. They will know I'm gone because my work won't be touched for a while and would pile up; or my bills will go unpaid and someone has to look for me to settle them. But no one would notice just because they miss me. And you know what? Maybe it doesn't scare me at all, to be unnoti...

Well, it's been a while since I've updated this blog. I've been busy with my new work so I don't have the time to just stop and breathe. To be honest, I've been trying to focus on one thing that I actually think is worth while but i terribly failed. I can't seem to find my space, my time, my energy. Having a new work, I thought, would give me the satisfaction that I need, but I guess not. There's always this vague emptiness that I feel in my life. No matter how long I spend my time with everything that is occupying my life now, I just feel so... how do you say this... lost. I feel like I'm still looking for that "meaning" as some would say, but how do you really find it? I've talked to some of my friends and they too, feel the same way and I feel like this is what they call mid-life crisis. If this is it, then it's hitting me hard on. Enough about that though, as of now, I'm writing this while listening to some good songs...

Naniniwala ka ba sa temporary people? 'Yung mga tao na minsan darating sa buhay mo if only for a moment.  You spend time with them, bare your soul to them and then they leave you, slowly fading into existence. Minsan you'll ask yourself, was it always meant to be that way? Na lagi tayong iiwan ng mga taong akala natin laging andyan for us. Ako kasi siguro nasanay na, nasanay nang makatagpo ng taong magiging kaibigan pero bigla na lang mawawala. Tinatanong ko rin naman ang sarili ko on what went wrong. Ako ba ang may kasalanan o sila? O baka naman pareho naming pinili na itapon na lang yung pinagsamahan with all the reasons that we both have but we don't care or bother to share with each other.  Hindi ako magaling makipagkaibigan, 'yun, 'yun siguro yung dahilan.  You would say why the random post about this? Kasi nga I feel like I have so many temporary people in my life right now. People whom I've given so much trust but then in an instant parang ma...

Gumising ako isang umaga na hindi ko alam saan tutungo. Nagbihis, lumabas, lumakad, papuntsa kung saan sila patungo Hindi namalayang mga mata'y napupuno na ng luha Dahil alam ng puso na gusto na nitong lumaya. Sinubukang itama lahat ng kamaliang nagawa Ngunit hindi batid kung saan nga ba magsisimula. Dahil sa bawat hakbang ay sabay patak ng luha Pusong pagod, malungkot ngunit takot magpalaya. Saya at lungkot, siya ang nagdadala Kung papalayai'y, paano na? Sa bawat pagbangon sa umaga, kanino tataya, Kung ang tanging dahilan ng pagmulat ng mata ay wala na.

I see a bright street light outside my window. Yellow colored bulb to light up the high way. It makes me think about the light which is slowly dimming in my life. What have I done? What have I become? I live in a good house but never in a home. Home is far, far from where I am. They said I was lucky that I am where I am now, but really, was I? Was I lucky to be alone, this far? I seek peace in a place where I ran to find solace. But now, I crave the warmth from the people I call home. Empty as I am, I found my truth; that love can give ruth. To give love, one must know what it meant, because if not, one can't. To let go and trust the process, one must be prepared to be broken. I was whole, and yet here I am, vulnerable, raw and open. Time will tell if I'll ever trust my heart again to someone, to start anew. Because everything changed, the moment I let my heart go askew. To see the light again, and enjoy the rays the sun shines upon me; ...

Paano nga ba magmahal? Paano mo masasabi na totoong nagmahal ka? Paano mo masasabi na kaya mong magmahal? Paano nga kaya magmahal ng totoo? Paano nga ba masaktan? Paano mo masasabi na nasasaktan ka? Paano mo masasabi na kaya mong masaktan? Paano nga kaya masaktan ng totoo? Paano? Isang tanong na pilit kong sinasagot. Sa buhay na tinahak ko, ito na siguro ang pinakamahirap sagutin. Paano nga ba nagiging mali ang isang bagay? Paano nga ba maiitatama ang mga mali? Paano nga ba mawasak? Paano kung ikaw ang nakawasak? Paano nga ba tumayo muli? Paano nga ba makakabangon sa hukay na ako mismo ang gumawa? Paano nga ba susundin ang tama? Paano nga ba? Paano ba? Kailan nga ba makakabangon? Kailan nga ba makakapag-simulang muli?

Nowadays, I feel like I'm not my usual self because of you. I'm trying so hard to not be affected but I'm helpless. Why? Why am I like this? My feelings are starting to get uncontrollable.  I know that you've been hurt before and I know how it feels. I want to take away your pain, your fear and your doubts about life, love and relationships. Maybe you already have a clue about this secret that I'm keeping. Maybe you don't want to accept it or you're just choosing to ignore it. Either way, I know that you don't feel the same way for me and I'm ok with it, no worries. To tell you the truth, I've been trying to ignore my feelings for you for way too long now but I guess I just can't. Is this is what they call love? I guess I'll never know for sure. All I know is that I want you to be happy because you deserve to be.  I hope that everyday I can continue seeing your bright smile and hear your little laugh. I pray that you'll alway...

There are moments in my life that I feel just so fucked up. You know, those times that I just hate being me, or more specifically, the person that I've become. Sometimes, I wish I was kinder and nicer, good maybe. It's just that there are things that I really can't control. My temper, my anger, and me hating everything that don't really live up to my standards, makes me feel like a bad person. I just can't understand things. Maybe I'm immature and all but come on, I'm just 23, not even in "quarter life" scene yet. This too, shall pass. Too much emotional hangups that I can't seem to get through. Awake at half past 11 thinking about changing careers and quitting my job and on to what should I do tomorrow at work. Maybe, just maybe, I need someone or something that can take away this mad feeling of being so pressured with my societal need to be approved, to be recognized. My twisted ego and pride. I'm so lost that I don't even know w...

Sometimes I wonder how am I as a person. Like how am I as daughter, sister, friend or colleague? I know I must not be affected with the things that people say about me and stuff because those things can’t define who I am but I just can’t help but wonder how I look to them. This crossed my mind due to the recent decisions that I made and those that I am yet to make. Most of the times, I think I'm misunderstood and it pains me. I do like to think that I’m an independent person, that I’m the type who wants to do things that not everyone risks to do. Independence, in my own unique world, is not constantly worrying about keeping in touch with the ones that I love because they know that I’m still there, that I still care and that the people that I love would understand. I’m not the type to shout to the world that I love the people that I love. But the people around me, especially my loved ones, see it as an inconsiderate thing. It’s just that I’m not used to telling people how im...

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother thinking about the things that I can't understand. So many things that I can't fathom and yet I'm trying. Pity often times hit me right in the gut and consumes me. Can I be happy and sad all at the same time, all for the same reasons? I look at myself in the mirror and I see an unfamiliar face. Someone whose values and dreams are forgotten and whose world is painted grey. Can life be so cruel that one must be who he is not just to feel alive? Life molds good and evil so closely together that both end up ever so intertwined. Darkness looms all over the place that a tiniest light gleams of so much hope. Forgiveness though seemingly impossible bleeds unceasingly into the calm river. If one can so sure of what the future holds, is it possible to never dream of what is beyond it? Dreams, so easily contained and erased, can come true if we just want it to.

I'm working in the morning for this week. It's been a while and it feels all so familiar. I like the morning breeze more than the night wind. It's makes me go back to those moments when everything was ok, settled. Now, my heart's ina a chaos, trying to decide where it would want to go a year from now. I think it's been a little over a year since I first started to wake up this early trying to go to work, all excited and fired up. Looking back, I was a fresh grad by then, naïve and eager to take on the whole world. Time changed me...it will forever do.

Waking up early feels a bit new to me since my body clock is kind of messed up due to my work schedule. I sleep in the morning and work at night. Yep, pretty messed up sleep. I've been thinking about my current career a lot lately. I mean, yeah I have a stable job and few good friends in the office but will this suffice? Will these things keep me from finding a new career and exploring endless possibilities? I have yet to know since I haven't tried yet but sometimes I often tell myself that maybe I'm just too scared to let go of my comfort zone. I'm scared to take risks and one this days, it'll be the end of me. I was going through some of my notes and I read one quote that says "Opportunity does not come with introduction". I guess this is just a wake up call for me. Giving some things a try may not hurt right? The clock is ticking. Someday, i will have to do it but I hope it won't be too soon...

When everything seems so out of hand, just stop for a while and take a look at life. Life has so much to offer but why do we choose to stay where we are? I guess I'm still happy. Envy. Where does it take someone? Jealousy. A bitter medicine. Lights. Song. Melody. Life. Reality. Risks. when the lights go out, we'll be safe and soumd...we'll be a DREAM Life, where will it take me? "when the lights go out, we'll be safe and sound... we'll be a DREAM"

Last night was just awesome! I got to see one of my favorite bands from Arizona! Let's just say that it was just a short lived moment that actually made it into one of my most memorable nights ever. I got to see This Century live! Just hearing them sing made my heart skip a beat and I fell in love. I can't put into words the emotion I felt as soon as Joel went up the stage and sang Tiptoe as  the opening song. He seemed so surreal! The crowd was so awesome, singing along to the lyrics to one of my favorite songs and he was just so into it. That it made me realize how awesome it is be able to see them live and made me think back on to why I liked them in the firs place. It wasn't because of the lead's looks or the drummer's awesome skill, but it was because of their music. It was the band's totality that made me a fan. Can't wait for their next concert and next time, I'll definitely wait up for their meet and greet! This Century - Rockin' SM Sky D...

Sometimes it comes at one point in our lives when we ask ourselves, why do people always leave? Hindi ko alam but right now, I feel so down...nope, I think the right word is sad. It's just that I know one person whom I'll never see again, well technically I can still him but not as usual you know. Don't get me wrong, I'm not really that close to that person but then, you know, that feeling of being left behind makes me feel this way. I'm not really a huge fan of goodbyes. I'm not good at one to say the least. Minsan talaga I get too emotional but then I really can't help it. Having to report to work knowing that one person is gone is kind of different and then there's a looming feeling of another person leaving again.  They say people come to teach us something and they go when they're finished with the roles that they have to play. I don't know if what this person taught me in my current state of life is that I should already learn how to a...

There are so many things that are happening in my life that I'm already at a point wherein any major problem can trigger my mental and emotional break down. Right now, I'm very thankful for having been able to find friends that can enlighten me about the ups and downs of my current situation. It is them that gave me a whole new perspective as to how to go on with my life. I'm a little bit shocked about the things that I've learned about myself and about them as well. Minsan nga talaga mas makikilala mo sarili mo sa point of view ng ibang tao na hindi ka pa masyadong kakilala. Dun mo marerealize na there are certain things na minsan hindi mo makita pero nakikita ng iba and that things are the ones that cause problems that sometimes you cannot correct instantly,like for example, attitude. Kanina lang na-realize ko na 'yung mga tao na dati akala ko is ang taas taas eh yun pa yung mga tao na magpakilala sakin kung sino talaga ako. I mean all my faults and unnecessary ka...

i miss those moments when a random thought comes into my mind and suddenly i begin to write those thoughts on paper... i miss the people and the events that inspires me to write a poem or an entry that describes what i feel about them... i miss having my own time just to ponder on what things to write on my  journal about random things that i see... i miss sipping my instant coffee and staring into my monitor hoping that a good line would just pop into my mind for the entry that i'm writing... i miss spending my time revising my almost 4-year old "novel" that i think would never have the chance to be finished... i miss imagining myself to be writing my own books and making a fortune out of it... i miss sitting on my dorm bed with only the light coming from my study table to help me organize my thoughts... i miss checking out my word bank just to find the perfect word for the things that i'm feeling... i miss the feeling of going insane...