◘ ephemeral abstract ◘

I sit here waiting for inspiration. Something to keep me from falling apart. Waking days are merely hours spent on doing something that I must, not something that I want. To feel as though everything has suddenly stopped and no longer has meaning. To walk as though my feet are shackled by aimless anxiety and fear. It sucks the life out of me. Breathing becomes shallower, more painful than it already is. Pain shots thru my body, no, it creeps right down to my very soul. I have eyes that can see but no longer holds any sight. I have ears that hear but no longer pretends to listen. Visions, melodies, dreams that I have yet to have, it eludes me. Caged on my own decision, torn by own choices, insanity. To hold on is to put one's happiness on another's life, miserable and unwise. Left behind, leaves turn brown, ashes slowly being swept away. Slowly, everything is turning grey, one by one memories are forgotten. To not know when one will be left rotting, is the most painful of

A holding so utterly stark Nothing but the endless dark Rain falls achingly hard Blackens the place like mad A place of melancholy No one ever tries folly Colors and hues, black and blues Leaving no traces, no clues Sadness unknowingly holds Creeping in the bones Disappear without a word Cut by a double-edged sword Feel, breathe, give, ache Long for all those mistakes Cold hard bars, spaces like a harp Digs deep, like a knife, sharp Out and about, one gave up Twists and turns, an unwinnable bout Dreamed of an escape Not one was ever made Time stopped, clock turned Everything, burned.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother thinking about the things that I can't understand. So many things that I can't fathom and yet I'm trying. Pity often times hit me right in the gut and consumes me. Can I be happy and sad all at the same time, all for the same reasons? I look at myself in the mirror and I see an unfamiliar face. Someone whose values and dreams are forgotten and whose world is painted grey. Can life be so cruel that one must be who he is not just to feel alive? Life molds good and evil so closely together that both end up ever so intertwined. Darkness looms all over the place that a tiniest light gleams of so much hope. Forgiveness though seemingly impossible bleeds unceasingly into the calm river. If one can so sure of what the future holds, is it possible to never dream of what is beyond it? Dreams, so easily contained and erased, can come true if we just want it to.

I'm working in the morning for this week. It's been a while and it feels all so familiar. I like the morning breeze more than the night wind. It's makes me go back to those moments when everything was ok, settled. Now, my heart's ina a chaos, trying to decide where it would want to go a year from now. I think it's been a little over a year since I first started to wake up this early trying to go to work, all excited and fired up. Looking back, I was a fresh grad by then, naïve and eager to take on the whole world. Time changed me...it will forever do.

Waking up early feels a bit new to me since my body clock is kind of messed up due to my work schedule. I sleep in the morning and work at night. Yep, pretty messed up sleep. I've been thinking about my current career a lot lately. I mean, yeah I have a stable job and few good friends in the office but will this suffice? Will these things keep me from finding a new career and exploring endless possibilities? I have yet to know since I haven't tried yet but sometimes I often tell myself that maybe I'm just too scared to let go of my comfort zone. I'm scared to take risks and one this days, it'll be the end of me. I was going through some of my notes and I read one quote that says "Opportunity does not come with introduction". I guess this is just a wake up call for me. Giving some things a try may not hurt right? The clock is ticking. Someday, i will have to do it but I hope it won't be too soon...

When everything seems so out of hand, just stop for a while and take a look at life. Life has so much to offer but why do we choose to stay where we are? I guess I'm still happy. Envy. Where does it take someone? Jealousy. A bitter medicine. Lights. Song. Melody. Life. Reality. Risks. when the lights go out, we'll be safe and soumd...we'll be a DREAM Life, where will it take me? "when the lights go out, we'll be safe and sound... we'll be a DREAM"

Last night was just awesome! I got to see one of my favorite bands from Arizona! Let's just say that it was just a short lived moment that actually made it into one of my most memorable nights ever. I got to see This Century live! Just hearing them sing made my heart skip a beat and I fell in love. I can't put into words the emotion I felt as soon as Joel went up the stage and sang Tiptoe as  the opening song. He seemed so surreal! The crowd was so awesome, singing along to the lyrics to one of my favorite songs and he was just so into it. That it made me realize how awesome it is be able to see them live and made me think back on to why I liked them in the firs place. It wasn't because of the lead's looks or the drummer's awesome skill, but it was because of their music. It was the band's totality that made me a fan. Can't wait for their next concert and next time, I'll definitely wait up for their meet and greet! This Century - Rockin' SM Sky D