Wreck & Burst

Sometimes I wonder how am I as a person. Like how am I as daughter, sister, friend or colleague? I know I must not be affected with the things that people say about me and stuff because those things can’t define who I am but I just can’t help but wonder how I look to them. This crossed my mind due to the recent decisions that I made and those that I am yet to make. Most of the times, I think I'm misunderstood and it pains me.

I do like to think that I’m an independent person, that I’m the type who wants to do things that not everyone risks to do. Independence, in my own unique world, is not constantly worrying about keeping in touch with the ones that I love because they know that I’m still there, that I still care and that the people that I love would understand. I’m not the type to shout to the world that I love the people that I love. But the people around me, especially my loved ones, see it as an inconsiderate thing. It’s just that I’m not used to telling people how important they are to me. I don’t text and call often and usually that brings me into the hot seat. 

I’m so bothered right now by the way things are going on with my life. Is it really a very bad thing to not be able to keep in touch all the time? I mean, do I really have to be there every single beck and call? And if I decide not to go then I’m such an inconsiderate bitch? I barely know how to prioritize things and have a timeline for such and I don’t really need an extra drama to add up to it. Sometimes, I end up curled up at night just thinking about whether I’ve made the right decision to prioritize first things first on my own world. Decision making has always been my weakness because I end up hurting the people that I love in the end and I don’t want that, but I still do anyway.

I want to exist in an alternate universe where not keeping in touch all the time doesn’t mean that you don’t care. It just means that though you’re busy living the life you want, you still know that the people you love will understand your decisions and still be there. In a universe where I can be as independent as I can be but there will always be a family behind to support me. I wan’t to exist in a world where I can feel self fulfillment without hurting anybody. A world, a universe, beyond my own existence and understanding. A world where I can just be the ME that I want to BE.