Anxiety and I
It's been a while; been a while since I had a courage to accept that I have this vulnerability in me that not everyone will understand.
I woke up this morning, and I felt like I didn't want to wake anymore. It's one of those rare days that I contemplate my existence. I asked myself, "If I die today, would anyone notice?" ... totally not. No one would notice I'm gone.
I realized that I am this speck of dust in this universe that no one really cares about. My existence doesn't add anything to anyone, well except maybe my parents. I realized that if I'm gone, people would only realize it because it's been a while, but they won't realize it because they care. They will know I'm gone because my work won't be touched for a while and would pile up; or my bills will go unpaid and someone has to look for me to settle them. But no one would notice just because they miss me. And you know what? Maybe it doesn't scare me at all, to be unnoticed. Maybe this is what scares me, the fact that I'm not scared at all. That the way I view death is, as if, if it will come tomorrow or the next week, I would be fine with it. The realization that I'm not afraid to go, scares me.
Anyone who can read this would only regard this as going with what's in. Because everyone says they're depressed. Maybe I am, maybe I'm not... but I'll choose to say I'm not depressed. Some would say that "nag-iinarte lang yan" or "attention-seeker". Yes, call me names but I don't celebrate the fact that I'm feeling this way. I don't wanna be the fad that everyone thinks is cool. I don't wanna say I'm depressed, I wanna say otherwise, I want to say I'm okay.
The shadows are becoming bigger and bigger as time passes by. I remembered someone asking me what my goals are 5 years down the road, and I couldn't answer them, because I couldn't see myself 5 years from now. Isn't that weird? Maybe it's normal. To not see yourself a future. To not set goals. Maybe it'll come when it finds you.
All of this will fade in a day, or in a week, depends on myself I guess. I've been through this before and I know this too will pass, I won't have the idea otherwise.
I just want to ask why? Why am I not afraid to be gone? It's as if I'm fine with my existence and I'm okay with what I am and what would become of me the moment I feel like this again. I usually think to myself, maybe I'm just lonely, maybe. Maybe loneliness gets the best of me some days, and I would know it would pass and I'm okay again. But for this past few months, it has been visiting me more and more. Once a week, tops, and I'm afraid that it would stay. I'm afraid that I'd welcome it's stay for far too long. That I would live to love it... which I don't want to happen. I hope everything will fade away soon. I hope I'll be okay again soon. But it won't really matter, because no one would really care if I'm okay or not, as long as I do my job and pay my dues. Nothing really matters, day by day, I live. Day in and day out, doesn't really matter.
I woke up this morning, and I felt like I didn't want to wake anymore. It's one of those rare days that I contemplate my existence. I asked myself, "If I die today, would anyone notice?" ... totally not. No one would notice I'm gone.
I realized that I am this speck of dust in this universe that no one really cares about. My existence doesn't add anything to anyone, well except maybe my parents. I realized that if I'm gone, people would only realize it because it's been a while, but they won't realize it because they care. They will know I'm gone because my work won't be touched for a while and would pile up; or my bills will go unpaid and someone has to look for me to settle them. But no one would notice just because they miss me. And you know what? Maybe it doesn't scare me at all, to be unnoticed. Maybe this is what scares me, the fact that I'm not scared at all. That the way I view death is, as if, if it will come tomorrow or the next week, I would be fine with it. The realization that I'm not afraid to go, scares me.
Anyone who can read this would only regard this as going with what's in. Because everyone says they're depressed. Maybe I am, maybe I'm not... but I'll choose to say I'm not depressed. Some would say that "nag-iinarte lang yan" or "attention-seeker". Yes, call me names but I don't celebrate the fact that I'm feeling this way. I don't wanna be the fad that everyone thinks is cool. I don't wanna say I'm depressed, I wanna say otherwise, I want to say I'm okay.
The shadows are becoming bigger and bigger as time passes by. I remembered someone asking me what my goals are 5 years down the road, and I couldn't answer them, because I couldn't see myself 5 years from now. Isn't that weird? Maybe it's normal. To not see yourself a future. To not set goals. Maybe it'll come when it finds you.
All of this will fade in a day, or in a week, depends on myself I guess. I've been through this before and I know this too will pass, I won't have the idea otherwise.
I just want to ask why? Why am I not afraid to be gone? It's as if I'm fine with my existence and I'm okay with what I am and what would become of me the moment I feel like this again. I usually think to myself, maybe I'm just lonely, maybe. Maybe loneliness gets the best of me some days, and I would know it would pass and I'm okay again. But for this past few months, it has been visiting me more and more. Once a week, tops, and I'm afraid that it would stay. I'm afraid that I'd welcome it's stay for far too long. That I would live to love it... which I don't want to happen. I hope everything will fade away soon. I hope I'll be okay again soon. But it won't really matter, because no one would really care if I'm okay or not, as long as I do my job and pay my dues. Nothing really matters, day by day, I live. Day in and day out, doesn't really matter.
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