◘ ephemeral abstract ◘

It's been a while since I've updated this little writing nook of mine. I wanted to share an exciting update—I've recently embarked on an enthralling adventure by moving from the vibrant city of Singapore to the enchanting streets of Copenhagen in June 2023. It's been a whirlwind of emotions, nostalgia, and heartwarming excitement as I embrace this new chapter of my life.  As the plane touched down at Copenhagen's Kastrup Airport, I couldn't help but feel a mix of nostalgia for the place I called home for so long and a bubbling excitement for the unknown that awaited me. The warmth of Singapore's tropical breeze had been replaced with the crisp air of Denmark, a hint of adventure lingering with every breath. The moment I stepped out of the airport, I was greeted by a world that seemed to blend modernity with a fairy tale charm. Copenhagen's architecture radiated a timeless elegance, its cobblestone streets whispering stories of the past. As I settled into...

  Hey, it's 2023 and I'm still inconsistent with almost everything that I do in life. Suddenly, the years seem to go by faster than I have expected. My 2022 was barely even starting, yet the year has already ended. 2022, the year that was, was full of happy memories and victories and less of heartbreaks and heartaches.  Finally, the world opened up and we were able to go to places that we used to frequent before everything suddenly stopped because of the pandemic. Birthdays, anniversaries, friendships, and whatnot were once again celebrated with loved ones.  Work was uneventful but I am thankful that I'm still here, alive and very well kicking. I got into one of my dream schools and I was able to celebrate my birthday overseas albeit just an hour away from Singapore but hey, that's a start for my revenge traveling.  My 2022 highlight is being able to bring my whole family to Singapore to celebrate Christmas and Mama's 70th birthday. I've been dreaming of being a...

 It's been more than a year since I have written on this blog. I admit I'm not good at sustaining things like this, except for work. Lately, I've been feeling a lot of feelings. Work consumes my entire day and many other personal things that exhaust me. Suddenly, I am thinking about the future (a couple of months ahead) and what would my life decisions be. 2022's last three months are proving to be a challenge both to my emotional and mental health. Work is by far the toughest I had been in because I was thrown into a pit without any idea what was going to happen, and now I am in survival mode. My relationship is nothing but a rollercoaster ride of emotions. Family, same as usual.  How do you even know whether your decision is what's best for you? I know one would agree that you wouldn't know unless you try, but I am afraid of trying/risking these hella big of a thing to just fate.  What if the decision to leave is something that I would regret for the rest of m...

" A man who has not prepared his children for his own death has failed as a father. Have I ever failed you?"  Never Papa, never. These past few days have been so hard to accept. A few days ago, I was still calling you to check as to when you will  come home from the hospital. I saw you were struggling with the oxygen attached to your nose to help you breathe but I knew you were fighting. Maybe the pain was already too hard to bear, somehow you grew tired. You took a rest and the Lord took all your pain away; my pain on the otherhand, took a great leap.  I was lost, my heart could not believe it. I denied the news until I saw you. You looked like you were sleeping so peacefully; my heart broke into thousand pieces piercing my entire soul. I was never the best daughter to you, I know that. I am almost never home since I left for work. I rarely call to say hello and ask you how your day went. I was never really the expressive type as I was never comfortable with videocalls e...

It's been a long week. So many things have happened, and honestly, I feel so empty. Most days, I feel like I just wanna go back to the time when everything was simple. The time when I didn't need to feel so small about my self. The time when I felt so free. Don't get me wrong, this isn't some pandemic feeling right now, it's this aching feeling that somehow, everything in my life feels so wrong, so useless, so mundane. I've always thought that life was boring, a continuous day and night cycle where people wake up to work, to socialize, to eat and then sleep, repeat until the end. I'm not one to complain on this things 'coz hey, life is a blessing itself. But, how so we even find something to make this life more worth living? Random thoughts nagging my brain this past few weeks are all personal. They have nothing to do with the society itself, but just my personal feelings. I've always been the feeling type, the type to feel everything around me and s...

 

 

Another year will come to pass and for this, I'm eternally grateful. To be able to live another year is a pretty good milestone already. 2019. The year I was undone and was rebuilt. The year I knew the people who will fight to keep me in their lives and those who'll fall thru when the storm comes. 28 years of existence in this beautiful world full of twists and turns but always, always moving forward and ever changing. For once, at the closing of the year... I'm happy and content. It was indeed a tough year for me, so to speak. I have fought quite a few battles and I'm thankful that I emerged from it victorious, in my own little ways. Let me share  the most memorable ones... 2019 was the year I took a leap of faith in terms of my career. I came in a foreign land for a little over a year but I found myself dissatisfied with what I was doing. I was constantly looking for "something more" in my career, it felt like I was rotting my brain out on the n...

Paano ka nga ba maalala? Kapag swerte ka, tatlong beses sa isang taon.  Kung okay ka lang, isang beses. 1 in 365 or 3 in 365. Depende kung paano ka nakilala, minahal o nabuhay. Mga bagay na tumatakbo sa isip ko sa araw na ito.  Una. Birthday mo. Araw kung kailan ka nabuhay sa mundo. Marami ang makakaalala lalo na kung naka-set ito sa Facebook profile mo. Ipapaalala ito sa notification bar ng mga kapamilya, kaibigan, followers, acquaintances at mga estranghero na "huy, birthday nya, batiin mo!" Eto ang buhay sa technology enabled na mundo, kahit sino makakaalala ng birthday mo. Pangalawa. November 1. Syempre, sa lahat ng mga araw, eto siguro yung sure win, lahat maalala ka, syempre, araw mo 'to eh. Pinakaantay ng lahat, dadalaw, iinom, magre-reunion. This is your day, the day that everyone gathers to remember you and everyone else who needs to be remembered. Ito yung araw na nakalaan para sayo, pinaghahandaan ka, inaalala. Iba nung mga oras na andyan ka ...

Okay, I've recently discovered a very good band called Cigarettes After Sex (@cigarettesaftersex). They are an ambient pop band as Wikipedia would tell.  This band is literally one of the best bands that I've ever listened to lyrics wise. I love how they put rhythm and melody to seemingly ordinary text. When I listen to them, I'm transported to an entirely different world; dark, romantic and desolate memory of a love that was once was and what it will be in one's memory. Their music is the epitome of someone who has been in love once, broken into pieces, but will never regret the love that was once felt. The emotions of all their songs speaks to me as if it was written by someone whom I have known for so long. If you are the kind of person who loves music because you can relate to the lyrics, specially those melancholic ones, then this band won't disappoint. They have a total of five albums/EPs which is on my repeat playlist. I will link out their playl...

It's been a while; been a while since I had a courage to accept that I have this vulnerability in me that not everyone will understand. I woke up this morning, and I felt like I didn't want to wake anymore. It's one of those rare days that I contemplate my existence. I asked myself, "If I die today, would anyone notice?" ... totally not. No one would notice I'm gone. I realized that I am this speck of dust in this universe that no one really cares about. My existence doesn't add anything to anyone, well except maybe my parents. I realized that if I'm gone, people would only realize it because it's been a while, but they won't realize it because they care. They will know I'm gone because my work won't be touched for a while and would pile up; or my bills will go unpaid and someone has to look for me to settle them. But no one would notice just because they miss me. And you know what? Maybe it doesn't scare me at all, to be unnoti...

Well, it's been a while since I've updated this blog. I've been busy with my new work so I don't have the time to just stop and breathe. To be honest, I've been trying to focus on one thing that I actually think is worth while but i terribly failed. I can't seem to find my space, my time, my energy. Having a new work, I thought, would give me the satisfaction that I need, but I guess not. There's always this vague emptiness that I feel in my life. No matter how long I spend my time with everything that is occupying my life now, I just feel so... how do you say this... lost. I feel like I'm still looking for that "meaning" as some would say, but how do you really find it? I've talked to some of my friends and they too, feel the same way and I feel like this is what they call mid-life crisis. If this is it, then it's hitting me hard on. Enough about that though, as of now, I'm writing this while listening to some good songs...

Okay, so I have been introduced to the world of Spotify podcast by my bestfriend/cousin Alma and boy was I hooked haha! I mean this podcast is so chill and very real, 'yung tipong para ka lang nakikinig sa dalawang tropa mong sobrang sabaw minsan haha. Btw, link below is my fave video so far because Pancho and coffee in one haha 😄 At first, I was a bit not so hooked kasi nga I'm more of a music person so yeah, listening to a random conversation was not really something that captured my attention. But on the 2nd episode, I knew I already checked in with this program. Sobrang random kasi ng topics and you know they are both enjoying the show.  I usually listen to it when I'm free and when I'm travelling kasi sometimes when you get so stressed out, you just gotta to listen to all their advises, rants and whatnots and sobrang natatawa ako and I look crazy sometimes, laughing alone but who cares, chill :D And bonus thing is, there's Panchooooo, this cut...

Naniniwala ka ba sa temporary people? 'Yung mga tao na minsan darating sa buhay mo if only for a moment.  You spend time with them, bare your soul to them and then they leave you, slowly fading into existence. Minsan you'll ask yourself, was it always meant to be that way? Na lagi tayong iiwan ng mga taong akala natin laging andyan for us. Ako kasi siguro nasanay na, nasanay nang makatagpo ng taong magiging kaibigan pero bigla na lang mawawala. Tinatanong ko rin naman ang sarili ko on what went wrong. Ako ba ang may kasalanan o sila? O baka naman pareho naming pinili na itapon na lang yung pinagsamahan with all the reasons that we both have but we don't care or bother to share with each other.  Hindi ako magaling makipagkaibigan, 'yun, 'yun siguro yung dahilan.  You would say why the random post about this? Kasi nga I feel like I have so many temporary people in my life right now. People whom I've given so much trust but then in an instant parang ma...

How do you start being okay? Do you smile until your mouth hurts? Do you drag your feet to go to unknown places? Do you write like you know all the words? How can you even start being okay? Maybe tonight I'm gonna learn how to be alone. I'll start brewing my own coffee in the morn The birds would say hello to a lone figure by the window My heart will get used to only my shadow Pavements will get bigger than what it used to.

Gumising ako isang umaga na hindi ko alam saan tutungo. Nagbihis, lumabas, lumakad, papuntsa kung saan sila patungo Hindi namalayang mga mata'y napupuno na ng luha Dahil alam ng puso na gusto na nitong lumaya. Sinubukang itama lahat ng kamaliang nagawa Ngunit hindi batid kung saan nga ba magsisimula. Dahil sa bawat hakbang ay sabay patak ng luha Pusong pagod, malungkot ngunit takot magpalaya. Saya at lungkot, siya ang nagdadala Kung papalayai'y, paano na? Sa bawat pagbangon sa umaga, kanino tataya, Kung ang tanging dahilan ng pagmulat ng mata ay wala na.

I see a bright street light outside my window. Yellow colored bulb to light up the high way. It makes me think about the light which is slowly dimming in my life. What have I done? What have I become? I live in a good house but never in a home. Home is far, far from where I am. They said I was lucky that I am where I am now, but really, was I? Was I lucky to be alone, this far? I seek peace in a place where I ran to find solace. But now, I crave the warmth from the people I call home. Empty as I am, I found my truth; that love can give ruth. To give love, one must know what it meant, because if not, one can't. To let go and trust the process, one must be prepared to be broken. I was whole, and yet here I am, vulnerable, raw and open. Time will tell if I'll ever trust my heart again to someone, to start anew. Because everything changed, the moment I let my heart go askew. To see the light again, and enjoy the rays the sun shines upon me; ...

How do you even start forgetting a person? How do you tell yourself to move on and let go? If you saw yourself with him in the future, how can you possibly teach your heart not to? When he tells you he loves you and yet he couldn't  be with you, what do you do? Can a person truly love you without ever being with you? Can one really live his life knowing he can never be with  the one his heart desires? Or are you the one really foolishly believing all his lies? I can write all the words he told but I can never really truly know his heart.

Paano nga ba magmahal? Paano mo masasabi na totoong nagmahal ka? Paano mo masasabi na kaya mong magmahal? Paano nga kaya magmahal ng totoo? Paano nga ba masaktan? Paano mo masasabi na nasasaktan ka? Paano mo masasabi na kaya mong masaktan? Paano nga kaya masaktan ng totoo? Paano? Isang tanong na pilit kong sinasagot. Sa buhay na tinahak ko, ito na siguro ang pinakamahirap sagutin. Paano nga ba nagiging mali ang isang bagay? Paano nga ba maiitatama ang mga mali? Paano nga ba mawasak? Paano kung ikaw ang nakawasak? Paano nga ba tumayo muli? Paano nga ba makakabangon sa hukay na ako mismo ang gumawa? Paano nga ba susundin ang tama? Paano nga ba? Paano ba? Kailan nga ba makakabangon? Kailan nga ba makakapag-simulang muli?