For you, Papa

"A man who has not prepared his children for his own death has failed as a father. Have I ever failed you?" 

Never Papa, never.

These past few days have been so hard to accept. A few days ago, I was still calling you to check as to when you will  come home from the hospital. I saw you were struggling with the oxygen attached to your nose to help you breathe but I knew you were fighting. Maybe the pain was already too hard to bear, somehow you grew tired. You took a rest and the Lord took all your pain away; my pain on the otherhand, took a great leap.  I was lost, my heart could not believe it. I denied the news until I saw you. You looked like you were sleeping so peacefully; my heart broke into thousand pieces piercing my entire soul.

I was never the best daughter to you, I know that. I am almost never home since I left for work. I rarely call to say hello and ask you how your day went. I was never really the expressive type as I was never comfortable with videocalls ever since. You would ask me when will I come home and sometimes you would tell me in your malambing manner that I've already forgotten you, but you were never not in my thoughts papa, you and mama. I would always make sure that I could go back home during important holidays such as Christmas or New Year as that was the only time that you all wanted us home, so our family can be complete. Christmas 2019 was the last time I got to hug you and share my stories about my life back here and the worries I had. You said I can always come back home. I always knew and believed that, you will always welcome me back as you always do. Always waiting for me outside the airport to take my things as you would not want me to carry heavy things and luggages. This pain, it's so heavy papa, I wish you can take it away too.

I still remember the times that when you would always bring me to work at Aquinas and let me "sit-in" in your college classes just so you can tell people that I was your daughter. I can also still vividly remember when you took me to our "bukid" to see how we plant our rice and I also was able to experience egg hunting all because of you. You taught me how to play scrabble and tongits because there were days that we would be stuck at home due to typhoons and there's nothing else to do. You would bring me and stef to the wet market so we can experience these things even for just a moment. You would help me with my artworks and drawing at school because you know I wasn't good at it. The mani and the itlog ng pugo that you used to bring us as pasalubong whenever you had extra money was something we looked forward to. You would always take us out on dates whenever we needed to buy something in market/mall. Ah, the memories of my childhood with you papa, I cannot write them all. Then I grew older, had work, and it was my turn to give you presents and take you to dates. You never asked for anything specifically, but in a joking manner, whenever you knew I was coming home, you would never fail to ask to get you a perfume, Jovan, your favorite. I wish I could I could've given you a thousand pieces of it, coz I never got to due to my stubbornness, I never liked the smell of that perfume. Instead, I'd give you different brands that you would still use even if you preffered Jovan otherwise. I remember the last time we went out, you couldn't eat the things you want 'coz they weren't good for you health, but you sneakily ate them anyway. It was so long ago since we had a date, I never knew I would miss them so much now that we can no longer go on it.

I got my love for the stars and the moon and nightwalks from you and mama. Whenever there was a full moon or simply when it's too dark and the sky was clear, we would always walk back and forth from our house to the end of gates just talking about life in general. It was one of my favorite moments whenever I'm back home, just simply being there with you or mama, gazing at the stars and just simply existing side by side. I learned the beauty of silence, the love for it 'coz you and mama taught me how to. We would either take some chairs and sit under the stars or sit together in our payag to feel the cool evening breeze. Life was simple, you were happy, you would say. For some rare times that I would videocall you or you would call me, you would be in the duyan, shirtless, looking so relaxed and happy. How could I ever see our payag and duyan without thinking of you? Papa, you are everywhere.

"I am proud of you, lovski",  I would always hear these words from you with all the achievements that would accomplish; from simple elementary contests, to some poems I let you read, and those unfinished stories I used to write. I could not forget the moments when you would always tell people that I am your Engineer. You have always believed in me, and how I will make it big someday. Thanks papa for always believing in me.

Writing, you would always encourage me to never stop 'coz you believed that I am good at it. And now, I am writing this for you, I am writing the memories that I greatly cherish between the two of us. Words are not enough to explain how I feel right now. I cannot find words to express my pain,  the overwhelming feeling of loss. I still have a lot to say to you, I thought I still had time, but then you're not hear to read it anymore.

Papa I know you're okay now, I know you're home. There will be no more pain for you. You were always ready to face the Lord, you have served Him in Ministry, I know you have embraced Him with all you heart; I just wish I had more time to make it up to you for the times that I wasn't there, but I know heaven has its reasons, maybe they need more warriors there to watch over us. You would reunite with ate Tetet there, you would both be watching us over now. 

No, you did not fail me in anyway, you have made me so proud, reading all the good messages about you and how you will be missed warms my heart; but Papa, I'm so sorry, I can never be prepared for this moment, I cannot fully say goodbye, not yet.. maybe not in this lifetime. I love you Papa, please say to ate Tetet for us a well.