Life Lately

 It's been more than a year since I have written on this blog. I admit I'm not good at sustaining things like this, except for work.

Lately, I've been feeling a lot of feelings. Work consumes my entire day and many other personal things that exhaust me. Suddenly, I am thinking about the future (a couple of months ahead) and what would my life decisions be.

2022's last three months are proving to be a challenge both to my emotional and mental health. Work is by far the toughest I had been in because I was thrown into a pit without any idea what was going to happen, and now I am in survival mode. My relationship is nothing but a rollercoaster ride of emotions. Family, same as usual. 

How do you even know whether your decision is what's best for you? I know one would agree that you wouldn't know unless you try, but I am afraid of trying/risking these hella big of a thing to just fate. 

What if the decision to leave is something that I would regret for the rest of my life? Not that it would matter in the long run, but my pain, I know it will linger for a long time. I know it would, because the first time I experienced pain, it took me so long to recuperate even to the point that I thought I wouldn't live to experience peace again. This is what I am afraid of, to experience the same thing all over again. 

I am an overthinker, and this doesn't help at all. I would usually lie in my bed at night thinking, will it be better if I did this or if I did that? Is it too much or too little? Am I doing the right thing? Should I pursue or should I just let go? I am already imagining things inside my head about what could go wrong, and it keeps me up at night.

I'd like to try and find new things to take my mind off of things that bother me. Every time I think of something, I'd just doubt myself if I should really be doing it. I guess all I need is to try and hope it would work out for the better.

I am at a crossroads in my life and I didn't know 31 would feel this way. I guess I am just getting older but necessarily wiser. If only...