silver lining...

Friday night and now I'm able to write again. Lately, I've been trying to figure myself out; what I want to do with my life, my future goals and my life in general. I know that this is very contradictory to my previous posts about having specific goals to ensure that there's a bright future ahead of me, I wasn't lying during those times but right now, I just don't know anymore. 

Having been employed just a month ago, I thought hard about whether to stay in my company after the 6 months probation period or not, and still I don't have a decision yet. It's just that, all this times that I've been with the company, I've been trying to figure out whether I fit in or not. So many things have been bothering me and I don't even know if its worth bothering in the first place. I've experienced nothing yet in terms of the work load and yet I already feel confused as to whether I can make it or not. I'm considering some factors in my decision to make in the future.

In terms of the people that I work with, I think I'm finding myself in a very compromising situation. I mean some I think I'm okay but some I don't feel at ease yet. Well, when it comes to how they treat me in general, I think I'm still adjusting to the different personalities. One of the things that keeps me from really considering the possibility of staying is the expectations. I really don't know what to feel about these expectations. Some of them expects me to be all knowing and some expects me to be smart enough to learn in no time, but I know to myself that I am not a very fast learner. I am an average student that just strove hard to be able to graduate and pass the licensure exam and nothing more but then they think otherwise. It burdens me to not be able to meet expectations; they are already expecting so much from me when in fact, I still have nothing yet to give and still a lot to learn.

One of the things that propels me to keep moving forward and still try my best to love my job is the fact that I need to prove myself to them. I need to prove that no matter what it takes, I can make things happen; that I can be the person that they expected me to be; that I won't be the disappointment that they thought me to be. I know that they didn't mean it when they said that but I know that somewhat in between those words, there is that truth. I just want to prove them wrong; I want to show to them and also to myself that I can live up to challenges and I can improve myself by learning the things from scratch just to keep up with fast paced business that I chose to be in. I want to show them that I deserve the position that I have right now and that they didn't make a stupid decision. Again, I want to prove myself that I am not a failure.

On the side note, I've been helping with a report and it makes me feel that I am of use to the company so I don't feel guilty about accepting my pay even if I haven't done anything so useful for the company yet but I think it's a good start. And then maybe after 3 months or so, I can already decide as to whether I'll pursue this career or I'll have to take another path, the path that's still not so clear yet as of this moment.