for our sake: disconnect and reconnect..

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. (2 Timothy 4:7)

I just came back from a weekend retreat that I would never forget. I am very thankful to my sister for inviting me to this one and a half day pre-Lenten retreat entitled "For Our Sake..." which was sponsored by her community Ang Lingkod ng Panginoon. It was once again a life changing event because the Lord answered my questions in a way that I didn't really expect. Let me share those moments that really struck me during the retreat. 

Let me start from that first talk which really got me listening. During the first event, the speaker told us that 'There were no accidents; that we were there because God wanted us to be there'. At first I was very hesitant, I didn't believe it because for me, being there was my choice. It was because I chose to be there just to please my sister and because I didn't have enough time to back out since my attendance was already counted and paid for. Actually, during the day itself, I was already thinking twice about coming and I also decided to sleep in late just for the heck it. I thought that if I wake up late, my sister can understand me and will just let me miss the retreat altogether. I woke up at around 8 AM when in fact I was supposed to be in the venue before 9 AM and given that I woke up late, I would surely be late for the event and my sister would understand as to why I could not come anymore. In the end, my conscience prevailed so I started preparing for my trip. I left the house at around 9:45 AM and I was very sure that I would be very late. I texted my sister that I was just on my way and I maybe late and then she told me that they were just on their way. Eventually, I came to the venue and I found out that I'm actually earlier than my sister and I said to myself, 'Lord, you must be kidding me'. I said to myself "Lord naman late na nga ako tapos mas late pa sila sa akin? Hay ayaw mo talaga ko ma-late no?" and as I reflect back to those moments, I realized that God's hands were really working on my life. The reason I didn't want to come was because I wanted to sleep late since I always wake up very early just to go to work and the weekends are the only time where I can sleep until late in the afternoon. Given that the retreat would start at 9 AM, I was supposed to be up early again for me not to be late but then the Lord adjusted His time for me. He let me sleep until 8 AM and still I wasn't late. The Lord really wanted to me to attend that retreat and it was no accident that I did.

The next thing that really blew my mind away was the time where we had our discussion group. We had 3 sessions and each session allowed us to share our reflections with our assigned discussion group. The first session's sharing was one of the most memorable experience that I had during this retreat. Why did I say that? It's because it was during that time that the Lord told me and affirmed to me what was really bothering me for almost two weeks already prior to the retreat. Let me share that I am just having my first job and since I am still a person with no experience at all, I am in that state where everything is not so concrete, I was full of questions and anxieties and I can't help but ask the Lord to just tell me what to do, what to feel and just assure me that the work that I have is the one that He wants me to do. I had two sisters in my discussion group, sister Bing and Nikki. The reflection question was about how the Lord blessed and blesses us and what are the most challenging experiences for us especially when it comes to our Christian faith. These questions were not the exact questions but I'm just giving a gist of what we talked about during the discussion. I don't know what got to me or to my groupmates but I was the one that they asked to start the sharing. I shared to them what I was feeling at the moment and my work concerns. Everything seemed so superficial to me because as we were going on with the discussion, the Lord actually gave me the answers to my own questions through the sharing of my sisters. It was in that moment that I really believed that it was not accident for me to be there; that I was in the retreat because God wanted to answer my questions in a concrete manner. He wanted to show me that I am not alone in my struggles, that everyone of us, in one point in our lives, have experienced what I am experiencing right now. Listening to them, I felt that the Lord is giving me the assurance that I am where I am now because He has His plans for me and He wants me to know that He placed me in the company where He wanted me to be. As what Nikki have said, 'The Lord does not give us an answer like a "Pentecost". Hindi isang bagsakan ang pagbibigay ni Lord sa atin ng blessing. The Lord sometimes puts us in a place where we are not yet sure but then little by little He assures us that we are really meant to be there'. Nikki's answer made me reflect and look back to those moments where I am asking the Lord to give me a job. For the record, I had no idea what my current company was doing until I decided to apply and research about them. At one point, I asked the Lord 'Lord, okay na po ako sa Amkor since at least Korean company 'yun'. I forgot that request to the Lord and I went on with my life applying for jobs here and there. The companies where I applied to replied back and I got a positive feedback. All along, I didn't have a goal, I was just desperate to find a job. Then Amkor called and I was hesitant, I rejected the call twice and when I felt that they were really persistent, I gave them a try. It really didn't plan on being in a company that is totally new to me. To be honest, I wanted to be either in a food, pharmaceutical or petrochemical company and the semi-conductor industry was not in the equation back then. I went to interviews and it was Amkor who really pursued me and suddenly I found myself signing my contract with them. As I have written in my past blog, I got regretful when a pharmaceutical company called me and asked me to work for them. I got anxious and I reached that stage when I questioned the Lord, 'Lord, bakit ganoon? Bakit ngayon lang? Ikaw naman hindi mo pa binigay ng maaga 'yung kumpanya na 'yun. Ayan tuloy too late na. Sayang'. Yes, I blamed the Lord when it fact it was really my decision that got me into that situation. I asked the Lord for that specific company and He gave me just that, I just forgot that I prayed for it. During the retreat, the Lord answered my questions. He told me this 'I've been preparing you in ways that you have not yet realized. I know your past, I see your present and I've prepared your future. Don't be too anxious because the way may be hard but I know you can make it. You are meant to be there. I won't give you challenge that you cannot overcome. Just trust in me and I will always be with you throughout the way.' I realized that from the time I went to college I suddenly got interested in so the Korean culture just out of the blue and five years later, my first company in partly Korean owned. It's just so awesome, you know, knowing that everything is not a coincidence, that somehow as I look back, the Lord planned it already. He wanted me to be immersed in that culture because at one point in my life, it will prove to be useful even if I am still unsure if I'll stay and yet I felt the Lord's hand in all of those. During the sharing, I've learned about career discernment through Bing's sharing. She told us that she's been through a lot and the Lord tested her and she endured. She told us that serving the Lord comes with great challenges and one of it is by juggling between work and service. Sometimes, we have to sacrifice one just to fulfill the other but oftentimes, it is the service that we forego. I learned that working is not all about financial stability and for material security but it is also for the serving the Lord. I learned that in working we should always do our best and give the best because in working hard, we are already serving the Lord. Maybe God wanted me to be in that company because He knows that I can serve Him by being employed there. It's just a maybe but we'll never really know the ways of the Lord so I'll patiently wait for Him to show me what He wants me to know and to learn.

Lastly, during reflection time, I realized that there are so many things that I need to change in my life. The retreat is just the first step towards achieving my goals. The Lord wanted me to be there for me to re-assess my own weaknesses and make a plan to change for the better. I was given a chance to have the holy sacrament of confession for a head start. The Lord wanted me to know that in order for me to have freedom, I need to let go of the things that pulls me back. I've written so much about what I want to change. It is in the Lord's hand to guide me in fulfilling my promise of change in order for me to serve Him better. I've also committed myself to service by attending (if I can) in Lingkod ng Panginoon's services. Maybe through this community, I will be guided and it will be easier for me to fulfill my promise.

Indeed, it is a life changing and also a challenging experience for me. Life changing because I learned so much and I know that I will learn more as I go on the path that the Lord has set for me. Challenging because I was left with the challenge to serve the Lord and walk with Him even if the path will not be easy and I will encounter difficulties.

Right now, I am very thankful and overwhelmed because of God's unconditional love for me. I am at awe at how He works in my life without me knowing it. Just by being able to attend this retreat is one proof that the Lord knows my troubles and He finds ways on how to manifest Himself to me and affirm to me that I am not alone; that I am loved. I've experienced the Lord in a very concrete way especially through my own sister and the community that she is starting to introduce to me. I feel loved, cared for and most of all, free from all the worries of my life because I know that God is constantly watching me. I feel assured that whatever I do and wherever I may be, He will surely be there to guide me to His path. I hope that one of these days, and I hope soon, I will be able to serve the Lord and thank Him because of what He has done for our sake. 

*Sorry for my scattered thoughts. It's just that I can't put into words what I felt during the whole retreat. The Lord is good that I cannot fathom how great is His love and mercy for us. I am out of words but my heart if full of His love.