Happiness Overshadowed ...

12 hours ago, I started a brand new chapter in my life but I didn't know that only 8 hours after, I'd feel a sudden pang of regret. The first day was far better than I expected it to be. I gained new friends and become closer to some. We had a blast during the whole orientation and I knew I was happy. I took my seat in the shuttle service knowing that tomorrow will be much better than today. But then one text, one call, made  all the happiness fade and made me doubt my own decision.  

Habang nakasakay ako sa bus na maghahatid sa akin pauwi, hindi ako mapakali. It's like my brain and my heart knows that I've made a wrong decision. Paulit-ulit kong binasa ang text sa aking cellphone. I just let my biggest opportunity pass.  May mga bagay pala talaga na minsan kailangan mong tanggapin dahil na rin sa ito ang naging desisyon mo. Maybe I was too hasty and too excited to find stability that I ended up not really looking deep into things and I didn't really weigh the consequences of the decisions that I would have made. Now, as I start in my new endeavor, I feel like I'm not really there, that I can't give my all just because something is pulling me back, regret is. Alam ko na hindi ko na maibabalik pa ang panahon, na hindi ko na mababawi ang mga desisyon na aking ginawa, oo alam ko 'yun, 'yun nga lang mahirap tanggapin. It's hard thinking about the what if's, could have been's and should have been's of that one thing that's making me regret right now. People say that "Never regret anything because at one time, it was exactly what you wanted". Ayun sapul na sapul. Iniisip ko kung ano kaya ang takbo ng buhay ko ngayon kung hindi ko tinanggap ang bagay na meron ako ngayon. Mas masaya kaya ko? Mapupunta kaya ako dun sa lugar na yun? Ang lugar na minsang pinangarap kong puntahan, abutin.

Yes, in all honesty, I've wanted to be part of it, to feel what it's like to be there but then now, I just can't. I'm tied to my responsibilities, to the things that I've promised to keep, to do in the best of my abilities. Kailangan kong panindigan ang mga bagay na kusa kong pinasok. I just wish I didn't make that decision yet. I wish I waited a little longer so that by then, I was already pretty sure nothing can shake my decision. Then again, I've learned and I'm still learning the hard way. Sana sa pinasok kong ito ay maging masaya ako, mas maging matatag at mas maging malakas upang harapin ang mga suliranin at desisyon na aking gagawin sa mga susunod pang araw at mga taon. I wish I can say that I have no regrets but right now, I really can't. All I can do is hope for the best and do my best. I'm praying that God will help me get through this all and make me a much better person.