Me

This is one of those nights that I badly need to write the things that I feel to help me keep my sanity. I can't understand what I am supposed to feel right now. I don't know if I want to cry or be angry or just stay silent. I feel like I'm gonna go crazy soon. I've done this to myself, I get it; I have no right to feel anything at all. 

Sometimes, naiisip ko na lang, "Kaya mo yan. Kaya mo pa yan. You can get through this." But there are days when I end up thinking about how my life is playing out before me. I've done things that I shouldn't have, things that could hurt the people that I love. 

I guess life has its own way of letting me experience things in a whole new perspective. Those that people would not easily accept and understand. It is through these trials that I get to know who I am as a person. I know I am not a saint, I'm so far gone from being one.

Things are slowly ebbing, and I'm starting to feel the gravity of the choices that I made. Choices that I couldn't take back no matter how much I wanted to, but I won't. In my years of living, I've learned to live up to my choices and never regret the things that I've done which made me happy. I'm still living that one decision that I made, and I'm choosing to accept the realities that it's bringing unto my plate now. That one choice, makes me think about a lot of things at night; of what ifs and maybes. It makes me cry once in a while and makes me crazy stupid most of the time. I am not regretting that choice, I just wish I had known better.

My heart is slowly breaking. I can feel the cracks slowly leaving me breathless. Tears are falling but I will make it. I'll make it through the nights that I can't sleep thinking about what will happen next, or what I'll face in the morning. I'll make it through the moments where I'll be left hanging waiting for the next decision to continue or not. I'll make it through this, the tough days and nights where I'll tell myself to "love me more". I'll make it through, to make another decision, a decision I have yet to know. Right now, I just need to make it through this storm.

I can make it through this night. This too shall come to pass, and sleep shall own me and lull me 'til the morning comes.